I don’t know if Emily Post has ever covered “Laundromat Etiquette” so –as per request—here I go filling in some needy, open holes. (Hmmmm . . . sounds a little like a part of my old social life . . . but I digress . . .) Here is a rant regarding behavior in the laundromat.

First, the wheeled laundry carts are not kiddy cars or amusement park rides. I don’t care how “ghetto” you are it’s not safe to your crumby kids or to the feet, shins and/or knees of other customers to permit your obnoxious urchins to treat the laundry carts like motorless go carts.

Second, a comment on a specific adult behavior: Smoking in a laundromat is now probably illegal in many states. It used to be just stupid. “How so?” I’m glad you asked!

You, the smoker, as well as other people have just washed and dried clothing. They smelled “summer fresh” until your cigarette smoke just made them stink like an overflowing ashtray. If my lady friend smells smoke on me she'll think I was out drinking and whoring. (By the way, I used to smoke and I quit. So either anyone can quit or I am really, really f***ing special. You tell me.)

Third, some businesses are just needy/greedy enough that they don't post “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” signs. People, you should realize that “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” is good advice! Walking around barefoot in any business is going to result in your having filthy feet at best and stepping on something dangerous or nasty at worst.

Why is it that men go topless in public anyway? Californians, the whole state is not a beach! It just isn’t fair!

If the law “protects” us from seeing women topless then why does it not protect us from beer bellies and guys who failed the audition for The Illustrated Man? (If I am assuming too much about the literary knowledge of any of you readers . . .go "Google" Ray Bradbury.)

Fourth, most of us have no need to observe a mom breastfeeding her baby either. Leave the baby home with the daddy. Trust me, you never want your kids to resent you because they found out that you used to whip your udders out in front of total strangers . . . especially if you didn’t even get “tipped”. You may have been some hot little thing a long time and several pounds ago but NOW you are a MOM!

Fifth: Do your laundry on a regular basis (such as weekly). It is totally unfair to monopolize the entire laundromat just because you can’t have a little discipline, planning and/or routine in your life. We all understand the concept of “first come, first serve” but you need to be reasonable!

Finally, be aware of the time. Most washers take less than half an hour to finish washing your clothes. As far as dryers go, even if you like your clothing "burny" hot (as I do) you still only need less than half an hour total. Simply put, get your stuff out of the machines in a timely manner or be prepared to find your wash elsewhere. . .if you find it at all!